push push push, and push

Though this is no longer my first time coming to US to study, this is my very first time reporting my self to a foreign place for school. Working as a lone ranger all the way from KLIA to Dubai International Airport to Pittsburgh wasn't so bad. Ok, ignore the alarm clock part. At least I wasn't sick on the journey!! :P

Orientation went well, too. Met many new people from China, Taiwan, Madagascar (isn't this cool??), Japan, Iran, Thailand, Peru, Saudi Arabia, Germany etc. It is somehow easier to get around and meet new people as I am on my own.

I told myself second day of the orientation to go know new people every day every activity. Almost there. Doing quite well so far. We talked about our countries, food, weather, major, or anything we could grab in the air. A little awkward, but it's typical. I probably give myself a 80% for that.

80% for the international students orientation.

BUT 10% for my program orientation.

Oh yes. 10%, seriously.

The get-to-know session was HORRIBLE!!!! Just for me, I'm sure. As predicted, I'm the only Asian in the 15-student class. I have to admit that ME and stereotypical AMERICANS don't clique. TOTALLY different frequency!! TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY!!

Yes, call me bias. =___=" I just can't blend into their topics and life. This is my most anxious part of doing practicum in US. I should go counselling for this.

For this Miss Yong right here, no American books, dramas, movies (very few), music, sports, food, entertainment gossip, bla bla bla....

I-JUST-DON'T-GET-IT

So during the program BBQ picnic dinner, I was holding my cup of drink and stand in the circle (just like everyone did) --- and listening. I was good at introducing myself upfront and that's all. Talked a little, but was a human-like statue after.

Difficult. Too difficult for me. I already knew this but it's still unbelievable to see me as a timid, soft-spoken person in that place with a bunch of AMERICANS.

ARGH...........................................

BIAS, I AM.

NO. There is something in me that I just cannot let go and I just want to be myself!! Can't fit in. I surrender.

Well... As I'm here to do my 5-year program, I think I can bear with superficial socialization here with this bunch of coursemates.

No, really. I am way too Asian/Malaysian/Chinese for them. And this is why staying in US for good is never one of my first choices.

I just came back from an event called "Play Fair". The newsletter said you don't want to miss this and so I went, with another 4 Japanese friends. It was apparently an orientation/ice breaker for freshmen with really L-A-M-E ice breaking games.

Ok. I re-phrase. Lame for my age. I think I would be more comfortable if they weren't all AMERICANS (see, again. haha).

Not just me. The rest of the Japanese and I left half way. The moment they started the game I had this strong compulsive feeling of leaving.

Another voice tells me 'stay, just stay. Experience the American culture, push beyond your comfort zone, you were once orientation mentor and you'll soon be a psychologist. Stay a little longer, until the end...'

I GAVE UP. Can't bear it any longer. It was simply stupid, lame, and nuts. And I know I will probably not see them again or remember their names, and vice versa. Apparently there were Americans leaving too! A small consolation to this poor Asian soul.

Functionally and formally, I can deal with Americans. Maybe not socially. I skipped the bar session yesterday after the picnic. Wise decision made, I'd say. :)

HOWEVER, I said yes to my Japanese friend when he invited me to their party tonight. Oh well, I haven't told them the fact that I'm allergic to alcohol. :P

It's just so much more comfortable to hang around with international students who are less 'Americanized'. Of course there are students who could blend in real well here. I think they're great! But I just can't clique with that.

Well... Enough of rambling and description of presenting problem. Getting down to the root is what is my operational definition of being 'American'.

Hmm.... Let me try this:

-(I thought for 20 seconds and I really can't do this)

To me, it feels simply dumb and stupid. I just can't chat with these people. Intellectual talk (ok lah, it's just discussions about class or course or assignments), yes. No chatting. I can't do social chatting thing with them. I feel stupid in this. It simply plunges my self-esteem (as an outgoing, loud-spoken, talkative, hyper energetic person) into negative figure.

Well well... 1 more day before class starts. I will keep pushing my nice little zone and try not to pull out too soon. Let's see how it goes.

* My Canon digital camera has no use until now. No urge at all to take any photos. Forgive this aged soul right here of her outdated-old school mind.

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I think my previous and first time in the US strengthens my identity as a person, so strong that I reject the rest. I would be very happy to talk about weather, food, psychology, philosophy, religion, politics, history, anything.

BUT not American books, dramas, movies, music, sports, entertainment gossip, fashion, etc. I can't even imagine myself try learning these to fit in. Maybe a little, but I don't see myself much in these.

It's simply not YCT!!! And I'm called CTY here, or CY.

A nice chat means you can chat with someone non-stop for hours, and there's no worry about running out of topics. Only worries are of running out of time.

I should quit complaining. This post is getting longer.

Anyway, it's not that I hate Americans and the culture. It's just I have yet to meet the RIGHT people. I learn awesome things here: openness, assertiveness, critical thinking, individuality, personal rights, and many more.

It's more about taking in whatever suit me and rejecting whatever not.

Yes. I promised to stop. I will. Thank you very much for reading. I love and miss you all. (Oh yeah, another thing I learn, to be more affectionate!)

Ok ok. Finally. I give you:

THE END. ;)